stella face

part 6

Now here I was in Hull and my dad coming and going on the fishing trawlers gone for weeks and home drunk and crazy for a week or 10 days then back to the ship. A life of hell I had a good job that I really liked as a cashier in the canteen of a government training center,but other than my job I had no life no friends of my own age, no music no dancing, and was trapped in a dysfunctional relationship with my dad.

Every time I wanted to leave he would threaten to commit suicide and I really thought he would do it and felt trapped I wanted to leave but was afraid he would die if I left. I could not date or have any friends he would scare them away and was destroying my spirit. I hit rock bottom and had a nervous breakdown.

I was 18 years old and woke up in a hospital my wrists bandaged up and in the bed next to me a very pretty young women was ranting and raving her screams pain and anguish of her life told for hours in the darkness of the night . I listened to her words and felt her pain and realized that I did not want to be her.

I had so much more to give and so much more positive outlook on life and so much more hope for the future. I thought about how I love life, how I feel when the music plays and I can move to the beat, it is a feeling like no other, some people never experience that, they don’t love it the way we do.

After my evaluation with the psychiatrist I decided he was crazy, I ran out of there as fast as I could and as I ran up the long driveway to the huge iron gates and breathed the fresh air and smelt the flowers in the morning air I realized I wanted to live and really live and see the world and hear music for  rest of my life, there would be no turning back.

I would leave my dad and Hull far behind and go to live my life and take care of myself , be thankful for the gifts I had been given my love of music my love of people and my ability to make friends and learn new skills and absorb knowledge. I wanted to travel to see the world and see all the places I had read about in books.

more to come.